i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
