i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
worst night to have a conscience
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
