Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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