this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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