I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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