Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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