There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
