I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
