dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
porn star boner night. come get it.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
