thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
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Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize