I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Randomize
