I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Randomize
