I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Randomize
