I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
