she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
