Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
