my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Mom said you looked used
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
