Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
