it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
