i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
