I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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