Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
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I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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