I'm going to jail i love you
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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