dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Randomize
