my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Even my vagina gasped.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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