You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Randomize
