Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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