nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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