I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
