idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Randomize
