when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
