saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Man, jail baloney is awful.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
