I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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