If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
