handjob tips. give me some.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Randomize
