32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
