You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
