I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
