I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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