i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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