my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
