It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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