No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Randomize
