She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Randomize
