There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
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