Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
