I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
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