My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
