He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...