sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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