i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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