The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Randomize
