is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
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