i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
