Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
