I look better un-naked...
our cab driver is having phone sex.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
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He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
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Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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