The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
